"The Terms of Service explicitly prohibit speaking poorly of the Service. In the jurisdiction in which the Service operates, breaching the Terms of Service is a criminal offense. Checkmate!"
"Leave the cat alone. I'm pretty sure he'll be able to handle his primary job — being a cat — even without your help."
"Great job, Simon! You're my right-hand man!" — "Maybe, left?" — "No, right! The left left, leaving you the right!"
When setting up some trivial piece of hardware, like a webcam, requires bypassing several OS safety mechanisms, it's probably a good time to stop and think really hard where you went wrong.
When a suspicious-looking man settles in your living room, constantly peering over your shoulder, you don't ask him "Why?" or calculate the benefits and drawbacks. You kick him out.
Nothing in the world can cause as much damage as a sufficiently motivated teenager.
My car spontaneously decided that Friday evening would be a most fitting time to break down. Now i'm going to be forced to make more phone calls than i normally do in two months.
The only thing worse than people who don't know what they're doing is people who think they do.
"It's strange, i don't feel depressed. That, or i have been depressed for so long that i can no longer feel the difference."
(Dodges the attack of a dangerous boss) "I can do this all day." (Counterattacks for scratch damage) "...And by the looks of it, i will."
Waiting for an opportunity to use the phrase "The main difference between us is that i know which areas i'm not competent in" as an insult.
If the most charitable explanation anyone can give your behavior is being really, really incompetent, it's likely the time to stop and think really hard where you went wrong.
It's past eleven, and i'm finally awake, after being up for over six hours. My sleeping schedule is fine. It's my waking schedule that's giving me trouble.
Safety is when the only people who know your secrets are the ones who don't care.
If i'm going to have to look for a parking spot for one more minute, i'm going on a murder spree.